It has been quite some time since I last posted, and quite some time since I have been able to sit comfortably in a chair, fully clothed, and enjoy all the wonders of modern computer technology. The reason for this is twofold:
a) I went on a journey a short while ago
b) Said journey developed into unexpected incarceration and mental degradation at the hands of the fiendish Eric Walkingshaw
Roughly three weeks or so ago, I decided that all this anti-blog blogging foolishness was just that and that I needed to undertake something more tangible, more hands-on, if I was ever to expose to the world the mad menace that my colleague/arch-enemy Eric Walkingshaw truly is. So I packed up a few supplies, drew up some rudimentary plans, and set off for the great wilderness of central Oregon, uncommonly referred to as "Beaver Country," which I can only assume is in relation to some kind of ritualistic, backwoods sexual depravity.
When I arrived things went smoothly at first: I found a cheap hotel with a one-eyed attendant who gracelessly showed me to my room and assured me the hidden camera that I heard whirring behind the bathroom mirror was not a hidden camera at all but simply "noisy insulation." From this impromptu and cockroach-ridden HQ I was able to study my plans, diagrammed to the finest detail on Denny's napkins, and prepare for the kidnapping, assault, or execution of Eric Thomas Walkingshaw, whichever came first and whichever proved easiest to accomplish with a belly full of peppermint schnapps and Mr. Goodbars. I then proceeded, as I had planned, to ingest copious amounts of peppermint-flavored liquor and peanut-inhabited chococlate bars, before passing out on the floor to the sounds of the motel proprietor chuckling perversely from within the wall cavity.
It was when I awoke that everything started to go awry. I kept a short journal while I was away on my mission, and in the ensuing posts I will reveal my entries to you, so that you may better understand the horrors I endured in that godforsaken savage-land.
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